I often feel like lifetimes have passed by since the day I bought my truck, or the day I set out on the road. I watch videos from long ago and I see a grace and a lightness in my feet that has long since faded away. I began to take my life too seriously, and became burdened with the pressure. What is it I once said? “No matter how many times I hit the dirt, I’m not jaded.”
Isn’t it interesting that it was in success that I became jaded. It was in the moments when I was blessed with the ability to drive away, while those around me that I cared for were left in their misery. I’ve recognized the complete unfairness of life, in which I wish to trade places with my struggling friends and carry the burden of their pain. I look at the choices of Christ, and I ask Him if I can make the same sacrifices. I would die, to spare these people the punishment that they seem to receive! I am not more special, I am not more loved…
However, I can see through my cynicism and my humanity to realize that poverty is not bad, and wealth is not good, and neither of the two have anything to do with the spirit at all. The poor are not ‘unsaved’ any more than the wealthy are ‘righteous’ and God does not bless us and curse us only with money. Even brutal circumstance, the situations out of our control that can be so filled with evil and despair that we are left screaming “WHY?” at the heavens, even these things are not meant to be curses. These moments of darkness are pivotal and necessary to every single moment of greatness ever experienced by humanity. There must be a moment of screaming in the dark before we will truly understand the joy that comes with light.
The true currency of existence is Peace. I’ve learned that the struggle of poverty and circumstance is not punishment; it’s simply a lesson that must be learned in different ways by different people. I’m not sure what brings each person to these dark places, but knowing every answer is not my divine right. I’ve simply decided to be the love they find when they get there…
I told Shane once that “when you give more than you have, every day; somehow God just keeps filling you up…”
I haven’t felt that way in quite a long time, and a life “in between” has left me confused. I don’t belong in a state of mind where my survival is in question, and yet I don’t belong in a state of mind where I am sitting comfortably. After 15 weeks of the project, while I was in Utah, I said a prayer to God. “I’m afraid of where you will have to bring me next, to get me to where I need to be.” I promised him I would not sit comfortably in my faith.
GOD!! I’m promising you again on this page…. Let’s get uncomfortable. Let’s make it radical. Let’s give it all away… I’ll trade you my cynicism for your grace, my fear for your faith, my doubt for your hope. I’ll trade you my life for your love… always.
An excerpt from my journal, January 1, 2011
