God will put everything together like the pieces of the puzzle if we just pick up those pieces and make a choice.
It had only been about three weeks since I had first thought of the Project, and I hadn’t gotten very far with my plans. The first thing that I knew I needed, the thing that was at the top of my list, was a truck. As a form of visualization, I wrote the word TRUCK in big, bold black letters on a piece of pink paper in Sharpie Marker. I wanted to stare at it every day, and remind myself why I was skateboarding over a mile to serve beer to strangers, in the desperate hopes that their 4 or 5 dollar tip would eventually add up to that truck. Every night, I would take the tip money that I had gathered and stick it in a small mailing envelope that I kept hidden from myself.
Every time I would get frustrated or exhausted from a hard day at work, (I was working a minimum of 70 hours a week, 15 hour double shifts 4 times a week) I would stare at my pink paper and eye my hiding place, reminding myself why I was doing this. I would picture myself driving my pickup truck across the country, with Zuzu riding in the passenger seat. I would daydream about it while I stood at the bar waiting on drinks for my customers, and I would babble about it to anyone who would listen without laughing in my face. There were some really difficult days during those three months, and I remember one night, when I was feeling so lonely and lost, overcome with sheer exhaustion but battling the insomnia that comes with anxiety, I began talking to myself out loud about what I was going to do. When I got to the part of the story with myself where I was saying “I am going to raise 3,000 dollars and use it to find a truck that will get me around the entire country,” a million questions started seeping into my brain. How was I going to get to 3,000 dollars with a waitressing job? It was already July, and I knew God wanted me ready by January 1st. Better yet, how was I going to find a 3,000 dollar truck that could do this project? Do you know how often people buy a used car just to have it collapse on the way off the dealer’s lot? What then? What about tax, tags, plates, not to mention gas and insurance. As the questions started flowing faster, the tears started falling and I quickly began to feel afraid and hopeless. I sank to the floor, sobbing, and asking myself why God gave me this idea if it was going to be so hard!? If you have ever asked yourself this question, find peace. It’s only hard because if it was easy it wouldn’t be yours. I sat there for a second wiping my eyes and asking myself once again if I had lost it, if I was crazy, and why I wanted this so bad. Eventually I just sighed and pulled myself up off the floor, dusted myself off, and laughed to myself at that metaphor for my life. “Just keep pulling yourself up, Shay, and it will all be okay”, I said.
Tips come like miracles sometimes, and night after night, I would add a little stack of one dollar bills to the stack in the envelope, watching it grow larger and larger. On the particularly tough nights, when everything seemed so pointless, I would pull it all out and count it, visualizing how much closer I was to driving my truck. When I knew I was approaching my goal, I started getting nervous about finding the RIGHT truck, and I was hesitant to really begin looking. I just kept going to work, distracting myself from the choices that would need to be made.
Until the day I got fired from my witnessing job for missing a mandatory management meeting. There wouldn’t be any more tip money to add to the envelope. I knew what I had to do, and what God wanted me to do. I counted out little stacks of twenties and fives and tens and ones, and then I recounted twice. I had 3,100 dollars.
It was obvious: buy a truck, with this money. I didn’t know how that was going to work yet, but I know that sometimes if you ask God, He can show you. I looked at the piece of paper that had the word ‘TRUCK’ written on it, and I held a 6 inch stack of cash above my head with both hands. I prayed: “God, I have your money, and I need your truck. Someone out there has your truck, and needs your money. Put us together.” I said this little prayer 3 times with more passion buried inside each repetition. I was experiencing a deep, deep confusion at this point in my life, and that might explain why almost everything made me cry. When you can feel a war being waged inside your heart and spirit between faith and fear, the mind is a turbulent sea.
That night, after I put the money back into the envelope and I went to sleep, I had a dream. In the dream I was laughing, standing next to blue and white pick up truck. I couldn’t tell if it was a Ford or a Chevy, but it looked shiny and clean, even though I could tell it was old. When I realized I was wearing a cowboy hat, I woke up. I’ve never worn a cowboy hat, so I think my brain knew that wasn’t right.
That day, my friend Hanna, (who wears a cowboy hat almost daily, along with boots, complete with spurs) showed me something on her computer. At the top of the web page, was a 1994 blue and white Ford F150 extended cab. The price was 2,600. I picked up the phone and called the number, and when a gentleman picked up I asked if he still had the truck. “Oh yeah, come on by if you want to see it”.
I looked at Hanna and she nodded her head. When we arrived at the man’s house, I didn’t know what to think. That war was waging inside my brain, and I had no idea how to make this decision. The truck looked fabulous, but how do I know? The man, his name was Tommy, asked me what two little ladies were doing out there looking at a big old truck like that one. I told him I was looking for something that would get me to 50 states in 50 weeks. His eyebrows shot up and he laughed, (but not a condescending laugh, a surprised laugh) and asked what I would want to do that for. I told him I wanted to do charity and volunteer work and open up a non-profit organization. While I was at it, I wanted to take pictures and write a book that I will use as a fundraiser. He said “well I’ll be, I used to be in the non-profit world myself, course that was years ago…. Would you like to take ‘er for a test drive?”
I felt this enormous ‘click’. Sometimes in life there is a series of events that seem random or disorganized but fully charged with energy. We often don’t know what these events mean, and because of the confusion, we will ignore them or even steer our lives away from them. Then other times, we see a pattern of events in our head as if they are dots on a graph and finally, we see the lines that connect them all as they spider web to this very moment of realization. I call it an “ah ha!” moment, or a ‘click’.
There is so much more to the story of this truck, but since that day in August, it has taken me more than 50,000 miles and to 48 of these 50 states. God has a beautiful way of providing exactly what we need, exactly when we need it. Watch for more of the story during the Project in 2011.
